Brytni.

Stolen from my blog- (the last post I wrote…interesting)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2010 I have thoughts today. Its been an intentional six months since last I blogged here, and as of today I think I am ready to say something. I cant pin point exactly what it is, but I am sure, together, we ll get through it. I am a bit rusty as tumblr and twitter have reprogrammed me to one liners, and easy copy/paste type expressions, as of late. There has been something serene about choosing the “easy” way out, and summing my emotions and elations through the media and art of others or the subliminal tweets of yours truly. It has truly been a pleasant crutch and refreshing escape to the sometimes lengthy blog. But back to blog we land, and as I said in my very first one, I am in search for my “voice” in all this chaos, and I guess the only way to find it is to………………speak. I remember writing about my 4 to 6 month cycles and how drastically my life has been changing from season to season, and I think we are headed for another turn. I say “we” because its more comforting not going into the feared “change”, alone. This cycle has been a more extended one then the others in my most recent past, and I would say its been a good seven, going on eight, months now of normalcy. I have learned to my dismay that I am still not as strong, wise, and positive as I wish to be. However, I am still introspective, and that has to help mold me into the person of strength, knowledge and good energy, that I seek, sometime soon……right? (right). I think in a way I may be preventing myself from being in alignment. And what I mean by that is, I feel like there are certain fields in my life that need to be in a specific order before I can progress in the way that I would like. For whatever reason, I feel I am preventing myself from reaching what is inevitable in order to reach my higher goals. I am so comforted in the life I am used to leading and the thought of doing it differently frightens me, even though God is literally making it impossible for me to stay stagnant in my old ways. Its as if I am watching myself learn the hard way, and when finally I release and let go of 5 years of what I am used to I will get what I am working for. At that point I will let out a sigh of relief and say “so this is all it took?!”. Now while I write this and can logically understand what I think is needed of me, I cant for the life of me stand by the decision. (I understand if you are incredibly lost at this point, I am speaking in so much code, even Im finding it hard to follow). But as artists we must find a way to be completely vulnerable while keeping our inner workings secret, protect our souls in some way. My God, I am such a work in progress, its silly. On another note I am finding the less dependence I have on others the more I am able to see what dependence on myself feels like, and thats something I am learning to embrace. Changing the mode of thought from lonely to independent is rough but necessary. Ok abrupt end………… ruvrou. B